My family never really was the type to go to church every Sunday. My grandparents were really concerned with this and took me to vacation bible school. We got the general lesson on Christianity, and they made us pray and those of us who asked Jesus into our heart were supposed to come kneel at the front of the room. I was scared to go against the flow, but I didn't want to go up there, either. I felt like I HAD to become a Christian. It wasn't somthing I sincerely wanted to do. The teachers were kind of pushy in a way about it. I didn't feel any different. I almost felt worse. Considering I was only 10 at the time, these are some pretty heavy emotions for a little kid. I went on this way for a long time. I liked to learn about the Bible, but, as with everything else, I just felt left out. I labled myself as a Christian, I certainly had Christian values, and I acted like one, but it didn't feel real.
One day, when I was in the eighth grade, I was feeling even more depressed than usual. I didn't think things could get much worse. My school was in a rather affluent neighborhood, but I went there because my mom taught in the district. My family didn't have much money and I wasn't able to own all the material things the other kids valued so much. There was a lot of fighting going on in my house and I had even contemplated suicide. This coupled with the fact that clinical depression is hereditary in my family made my life a big mess. I cried all the time.
One evening, I was standing in my room, alone, with the doors and windows shut. I was thinking about how worthless I felt and what a mess my life was and I started crying again. I closed my eyes, and I felt a presence in the room, and pressure on my upper arms, as if someone was standing behind me, holding me in front of him. Except, not only was there support behind me, it was all around. I knew later that this was my guardian angel. All the doubts that I had about God and his existance disappeared. God loved me and sent that angel there to comfort me. As worthless as I felt, and as rejected as I had been by my peers, God still loved me and wanted me to be happy. I can best describe the change in my life as a great inner peace. I'm not perfect, nor do I strive to be. I try to follow Jesus' teachings and behave as he did the best I can. my life didn't turn around instantly, but it gradually changed to the way it is now. I am much happier, found real friends, and have already experienced a lot of success in my life. I still have to work on being so insecure about myself, but I'm getting there. I know what it feels like to be sucked in that dark pit of depression, and I can tell you that God can get you out of it. He might lift you out Himself or he might lead you to someone who can. And no matter what you have done, no matter how bad it is, God loves you. He created you and no matter what anyone tells you, he will NEVER regret it. You are his child and he has unconditional love for you. When you talk, he listens. Even when you feel you are alone, he is surrounding you with his love.
If you have never taken Jesus into your heart, I encourage you to. This means entrusting your life to him and accepting him as your personal saviour. He can save you. Without him you are so vulnerable. No matter how strong you think you are without him, Satan is going to drag you into hell. If you have never believed in God, think of it this way--what do you have to lose?
If you have any questions about this, or would just like to talk more about this, email me. I would be glad to discuss whatever is on your mind.
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